Relationship's Basic Necessities

For the past few days I've been rereading many of my MSW textbooks so as to brush up on basic techniques in preparation for my upcoming work with couples. I've also been immersing myself in some of the relationship literature out there. I've delved into the myriad theories and interventions of relationship experts, such as John Gottman, Harville Hendrix, Sue Johnson, and Michelle Weiner-Davis in order to confidently begin working with couples, feeling assured that I have an arsenal of techniques.

As I reflect on what I've read, I have to wonder, "Aren't these essential relationship skills simply common sense?" Things like understanding and meeting each other's needs, listening, compassionate communication, and loving actions really don't seem like far-out ideas or obscure concepts. To me, they are things that occur when two people care about and/or love each other. They are necessary to establish and preserve a connection with another human being.

However, we know that in the U.S. roughly 50% of marriages will end in divorce. Obviously, there is a huge disconnection occurring among couples. Thinking about this staggering divorce rate, not to mention the many failing and troubled relationships outside of marriage, I ask myself, "Are these relationship preservation skills simply being forgotten?" I also think about the impact of our socialization here in the U.S. with the immense focus on self and wonder, "Have we discarded the importance of connection in favor of self-satisfaction?"

Now, I know that relationships are complex and relationship success has more to do with simply employing the skills mentioned previously. There is substantive research on the subject to help pinpoint those vital factors in a relationship, but there are some common sense ideas that I think about when I focus on relationships. Trust/dependability, boundaries, compatibility, and equity (to name a few), are factors that can impact the success of a relationship. To me, these are some of the building blocks of a healthy relationship. Without these elements many relationships would never begin, and those that did begin would likely not last long. 

As with all things there is balance, and a healthy dose of reality. We are not perfect, and we will make mistakes. Our own lives gets in the way, we fall into routines, we have work, children, extracurricular activities, etc. While these things are important and need to nurtured, the relationship also needs to be nurtured. Some of the best ways to nurture the  relationship (and even rebuild some of the building blocks when fractured), are through those essential, common sense relationship preservation skills: listening, compassionate communication, and loving actions. Instead of thinking, "How can I get my needs met today?", change the focus to "How can I be a great partner today?"