Yesterday, I mentioned a few relationship skills that help to preserve the connection in a relationship. I forgot to mention a really important and simple skill that is often overlooked (I overlooked it!) and that is appreciation. A gesture of appreciation packs a lot of meaning. It demonstrates that the giver is thoughtful, considerate, and cares about the thoughts, feelings, and actions of the receiver.
Perhaps showing one's appreciation is much easier in the beginning stages of a relationship in that when couples decide to move in together or have been together for awhile, thoughtful actions can seem more routine or habitual rather than demonstrations of caring. For example, a spouse/partner may choose to have coffee prepared for the other when she or he wakes up in the morning. She/He may choose to make the bed, prepare a meal, get the children ready for school, give the other space when returning home from work, feed the pets, pay for a meal, etc. These are caring actions that can often be overlooked; it's very easy to take these actions for granted.
As appreciation helps to preserve the connection with our loved ones, I encourage all of you to focus outside the self for a few minutes each day. Take the time to recognize all that your significant other (child, parent, friend, or co-worker) does for you during the day. Once you recognize these things, start vocalizing your appreciation to the other person. Ensure that you have their full attention when you give an appreciation, and above all else be yourself and be sincere!
I am very vocal with my appreciation of others and I love to compliment people. What can one do to get their spouse to do the same?
ReplyDeleteGreat post!
Gayle,
ReplyDeleteI'm glad to hear you vocalize your appreciation of others. That is important! Your question is a tricky one because we only have control over ourselves (even if, at times, we wish we had control over our significant others!). Sometimes making a change in the way you interact with your significant other can change the way they interact with you. For example, someone once shared with me that she always kissed her husband goodbye before he left for work, and greeted him when he came home. She did it for years without his ever showing an appreciation for it. So, for a short period of time she stopped kissing him when he left for work and stopped greeting him when he came home. After about a week the husband noticed and asked her why she stopped doing those things. The change she made opened a door for them to talk. She was able to tell him that she thought her gestures weren't appreciated, and he began to demonstrate his appreciation for the kisses and greetings.
Some prefer a more direct approach, and in that situation I would ask my significant other if he/she had a few minutes to talk about something important to me. Then, using a present example and not dredging up the past, I would gently explain that it was important for me to feel appreciated, and that I haven't been feeling very appreciated lately. I would refrain from saying things like, "You don't value me or you make me feel unappreciated" as those will only cause defensiveness and not establish a dialogue or connection. Keep the focus on how you're feeling, not on how someone else is making you feel. He or she will be much more open to a discussion.
We all want to be appreciated! I think it's ok to gently ask for it.
Great advice Bryan!!!
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