Yesterday, I mentioned a few relationship skills that help to preserve the connection in a relationship. I forgot to mention a really important and simple skill that is often overlooked (I overlooked it!) and that is appreciation. A gesture of appreciation packs a lot of meaning. It demonstrates that the giver is thoughtful, considerate, and cares about the thoughts, feelings, and actions of the receiver.
Perhaps showing one's appreciation is much easier in the beginning stages of a relationship in that when couples decide to move in together or have been together for awhile, thoughtful actions can seem more routine or habitual rather than demonstrations of caring. For example, a spouse/partner may choose to have coffee prepared for the other when she or he wakes up in the morning. She/He may choose to make the bed, prepare a meal, get the children ready for school, give the other space when returning home from work, feed the pets, pay for a meal, etc. These are caring actions that can often be overlooked; it's very easy to take these actions for granted.
As appreciation helps to preserve the connection with our loved ones, I encourage all of you to focus outside the self for a few minutes each day. Take the time to recognize all that your significant other (child, parent, friend, or co-worker) does for you during the day. Once you recognize these things, start vocalizing your appreciation to the other person. Ensure that you have their full attention when you give an appreciation, and above all else be yourself and be sincere!
Monday, February 28, 2011
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Relationship's Basic Necessities
For the past few days I've been rereading many of my MSW textbooks so as to brush up on basic techniques in preparation for my upcoming work with couples. I've also been immersing myself in some of the relationship literature out there. I've delved into the myriad theories and interventions of relationship experts, such as John Gottman, Harville Hendrix, Sue Johnson, and Michelle Weiner-Davis in order to confidently begin working with couples, feeling assured that I have an arsenal of techniques.
As I reflect on what I've read, I have to wonder, "Aren't these essential relationship skills simply common sense?" Things like understanding and meeting each other's needs, listening, compassionate communication, and loving actions really don't seem like far-out ideas or obscure concepts. To me, they are things that occur when two people care about and/or love each other. They are necessary to establish and preserve a connection with another human being.
However, we know that in the U.S. roughly 50% of marriages will end in divorce. Obviously, there is a huge disconnection occurring among couples. Thinking about this staggering divorce rate, not to mention the many failing and troubled relationships outside of marriage, I ask myself, "Are these relationship preservation skills simply being forgotten?" I also think about the impact of our socialization here in the U.S. with the immense focus on self and wonder, "Have we discarded the importance of connection in favor of self-satisfaction?"
Now, I know that relationships are complex and relationship success has more to do with simply employing the skills mentioned previously. There is substantive research on the subject to help pinpoint those vital factors in a relationship, but there are some common sense ideas that I think about when I focus on relationships. Trust/dependability, boundaries, compatibility, and equity (to name a few), are factors that can impact the success of a relationship. To me, these are some of the building blocks of a healthy relationship. Without these elements many relationships would never begin, and those that did begin would likely not last long.
As with all things there is balance, and a healthy dose of reality. We are not perfect, and we will make mistakes. Our own lives gets in the way, we fall into routines, we have work, children, extracurricular activities, etc. While these things are important and need to nurtured, the relationship also needs to be nurtured. Some of the best ways to nurture the relationship (and even rebuild some of the building blocks when fractured), are through those essential, common sense relationship preservation skills: listening, compassionate communication, and loving actions. Instead of thinking, "How can I get my needs met today?", change the focus to "How can I be a great partner today?"
As I reflect on what I've read, I have to wonder, "Aren't these essential relationship skills simply common sense?" Things like understanding and meeting each other's needs, listening, compassionate communication, and loving actions really don't seem like far-out ideas or obscure concepts. To me, they are things that occur when two people care about and/or love each other. They are necessary to establish and preserve a connection with another human being.
However, we know that in the U.S. roughly 50% of marriages will end in divorce. Obviously, there is a huge disconnection occurring among couples. Thinking about this staggering divorce rate, not to mention the many failing and troubled relationships outside of marriage, I ask myself, "Are these relationship preservation skills simply being forgotten?" I also think about the impact of our socialization here in the U.S. with the immense focus on self and wonder, "Have we discarded the importance of connection in favor of self-satisfaction?"
Now, I know that relationships are complex and relationship success has more to do with simply employing the skills mentioned previously. There is substantive research on the subject to help pinpoint those vital factors in a relationship, but there are some common sense ideas that I think about when I focus on relationships. Trust/dependability, boundaries, compatibility, and equity (to name a few), are factors that can impact the success of a relationship. To me, these are some of the building blocks of a healthy relationship. Without these elements many relationships would never begin, and those that did begin would likely not last long.
As with all things there is balance, and a healthy dose of reality. We are not perfect, and we will make mistakes. Our own lives gets in the way, we fall into routines, we have work, children, extracurricular activities, etc. While these things are important and need to nurtured, the relationship also needs to be nurtured. Some of the best ways to nurture the relationship (and even rebuild some of the building blocks when fractured), are through those essential, common sense relationship preservation skills: listening, compassionate communication, and loving actions. Instead of thinking, "How can I get my needs met today?", change the focus to "How can I be a great partner today?"
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Feast or Famine? Or just right?
Connection. It's a linking to something beyond the self, or perhaps to the inner self. It's physical, it's psychological, it's social, and it's spiritual. The act of connecting is a here-and-now sharing that is the foundation of relationship building. It can feel exhilarating and scary. It's a veritable paradox of liberation through fusion. Some of us spend our lives searching for connection while others spend their lives running from its possibility.
In this era of social networking, instant communication via IMs and texts, and a plethora of gadgets to keep us connected, how has this impacted our ability to know ourselves or relate to another on an intimate level? Is the balance just right? Or is the feast causing famine?
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