Unrequited Love: 6 Tips to Cope, Heal, and Grow

Many of us have been there. We've been interested in a guy or girl, expressed our feelings about them as well as our hopes and desires for a relationship, only to be ignored or overlooked, strung along, or simply rejected. The feeling we experience from not having our feelings reciprocated is awful. We obviously feel rejected, but there are deeper feelings and thoughts that can emerge from this experience. It may bring up our past feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness. It may tap into our personal insecurities, whereby we begin asking ourselves critical questions like, "Why don't they like me?" "What's wrong with me?" Even worse, we may begin to judge ourselves and our personal qualities, "If I were better looking or had a better body, he or she would want me." Clearly, the thoughts and emotions that get stirred up from unrequited love are powerful and undoubtedly unhealthy to our sense of self and well-being.

If you are one who is able to walk away from this kind of experience unscathed with your head held high, then we applaud your self-confidence. However, to those who may be deeply hurt by this experience, and to those who are being strung along or holding on to the remotest possibility of a future relationship, here are 6 tips to protect yourself and cope with the ache of unrequited love:

1) Be Positive: Don't allow yourself to question your sense of self worth. STOP IT IN ITS TRACKS.  When you begin to go down this dangerous road, say to yourself or yell out loud, "No. I'm not going there!" Replace the self-hate with positive messages about yourself. Appreciate who you are and what you have to offer. You are worth so much! Say it to yourself everyday if you need to and most of all...BELIEVE it!

2) Acceptance is Key: You may not like it, you may wish with every fiber of your being that it weren't true, but it's a reality that you have to face. If you continue to hold on, hoping for a future relationship, you will never heal and never move forward. Accepting this fact, however harsh, is vital.

3) Distraction Helps: You've just experienced a loss. Allow yourself some time to grieve, and then move on. Reaching out to friends, reading your favorite book, watching a funny movie, or whatever you enjoy doing, helps you to get out of your head and away from the pain of loss.

4) Do What You're Good at: Whether you excel at work, art, household projects, problem-solving, etc. focus on your strengths. By doing these things you will feel a sense of accomplishment and be reminded that you have unique talents and skills that are worthwhile.

5) Know Yourself: Crisis is always an opportunity. Use this time to figure out who you are. Ask yourself questions, "What are my needs?", "What do I want in a relationship?", "What does a healthy relationship look like?" If you realize that you've been in this situation before ask yourself, "How did I end up here again?" Recognizing a pattern, and learning about yourself are essential to change and growth.

6) Envision a Bright Future: There is always hope for a future relationship with someone who values you, respects you, and truly appreciates what you have to offer.  Take a few minutes each day to think about this, imagine that future, and focus on the positive qualities you want in a relationship and a significant other. There is no perfect relationship and no perfect partner, but your vision can be a guide to helping you learn the healthy signs (and warning signs) as you begin to reenter the world of dating.

A Quick Note on Appreciation

Yesterday, I mentioned a few relationship skills that help to preserve the connection in a relationship. I forgot to mention a really important and simple skill that is often overlooked (I overlooked it!) and that is appreciation. A gesture of appreciation packs a lot of meaning. It demonstrates that the giver is thoughtful, considerate, and cares about the thoughts, feelings, and actions of the receiver.

Perhaps showing one's appreciation is much easier in the beginning stages of a relationship in that when couples decide to move in together or have been together for awhile, thoughtful actions can seem more routine or habitual rather than demonstrations of caring. For example, a spouse/partner may choose to have coffee prepared for the other when she or he wakes up in the morning. She/He may choose to make the bed, prepare a meal, get the children ready for school, give the other space when returning home from work, feed the pets, pay for a meal, etc. These are caring actions that can often be overlooked; it's very easy to take these actions for granted.

As appreciation helps to preserve the connection with our loved ones, I encourage all of you to focus outside the self for a few minutes each day. Take the time to recognize all that your significant other (child, parent, friend, or co-worker) does for you during the day. Once you recognize these things, start vocalizing your appreciation to the other person. Ensure that you have their full attention when you give an appreciation, and above all else be yourself and be sincere!

Relationship's Basic Necessities

For the past few days I've been rereading many of my MSW textbooks so as to brush up on basic techniques in preparation for my upcoming work with couples. I've also been immersing myself in some of the relationship literature out there. I've delved into the myriad theories and interventions of relationship experts, such as John Gottman, Harville Hendrix, Sue Johnson, and Michelle Weiner-Davis in order to confidently begin working with couples, feeling assured that I have an arsenal of techniques.

As I reflect on what I've read, I have to wonder, "Aren't these essential relationship skills simply common sense?" Things like understanding and meeting each other's needs, listening, compassionate communication, and loving actions really don't seem like far-out ideas or obscure concepts. To me, they are things that occur when two people care about and/or love each other. They are necessary to establish and preserve a connection with another human being.

However, we know that in the U.S. roughly 50% of marriages will end in divorce. Obviously, there is a huge disconnection occurring among couples. Thinking about this staggering divorce rate, not to mention the many failing and troubled relationships outside of marriage, I ask myself, "Are these relationship preservation skills simply being forgotten?" I also think about the impact of our socialization here in the U.S. with the immense focus on self and wonder, "Have we discarded the importance of connection in favor of self-satisfaction?"

Now, I know that relationships are complex and relationship success has more to do with simply employing the skills mentioned previously. There is substantive research on the subject to help pinpoint those vital factors in a relationship, but there are some common sense ideas that I think about when I focus on relationships. Trust/dependability, boundaries, compatibility, and equity (to name a few), are factors that can impact the success of a relationship. To me, these are some of the building blocks of a healthy relationship. Without these elements many relationships would never begin, and those that did begin would likely not last long. 

As with all things there is balance, and a healthy dose of reality. We are not perfect, and we will make mistakes. Our own lives gets in the way, we fall into routines, we have work, children, extracurricular activities, etc. While these things are important and need to nurtured, the relationship also needs to be nurtured. Some of the best ways to nurture the  relationship (and even rebuild some of the building blocks when fractured), are through those essential, common sense relationship preservation skills: listening, compassionate communication, and loving actions. Instead of thinking, "How can I get my needs met today?", change the focus to "How can I be a great partner today?"

Feast or Famine? Or just right?

Connection. It's a linking to something beyond the self, or perhaps to the inner self. It's physical, it's psychological, it's social, and it's spiritual. The act of connecting is a here-and-now sharing that is the foundation of relationship building. It can feel exhilarating and scary. It's a veritable paradox of liberation through fusion. Some of us spend our lives searching for connection while others spend their lives running from its possibility. 

In this era of social networking, instant communication via IMs and texts, and a plethora of gadgets to keep us connected, how has this impacted our ability to know ourselves or relate to another on an intimate level? Is the balance just right? Or is the feast causing famine?